Last week was difficult. For several nights I did not sleep through the night - different reasons each night. Then I fell. It happened on Thursday morning. I was in the chapel and another person was kneeling in the middle of the chapel on the bare floor praying out loud in another language. It was distracting and because of my fatigue, I was really irritable. So, before I knew it, I was saying "excuse me?!" but she did not acknowledge that and kept on praying out loud. Then Dr. N who was quietly reading, turned to me with a look that I took to be 'disapproval' and I found myself on my feet going up to her and saying, "Are you okay?" She nodded but didn't speak. She got up and moved to the back of the chapel where she went on praying - but quietly. Then I felt so guilty for disturbing her and for thinking that my distraction was more important than her prayers. So I began to pray for her and ask for forgiveness. I vowed to never speak up in chapel again but maybe next time, just leave and let it go. Then we went to Mass and I prayed all during Mass for forgiveness. Dr. N sat right in front of me during Mass and afterward, he turned to me and said "Are you a police woman?" I told him how awful I felt and how sorry I was. He actually said "thank you" to me and said that she was often distracting in the chapel. I thanked God for sending this good man to me at that time. He made me feel so much better about it all. I thanked him too for taking the time to speak to me about it because I was so sorry and felt that I had probably disturbed everyone else in the chapel that morning with my behavior.
On Friday morning, our mystery person moved the Heaven Speaks booklets from the library to the sale rack - again. The third time that that has happened. I saw them that morning just before going into Mass and took a minute to put every one back on the library shelf. Because of the how bad I was feeling, I tried not to judge and instead prayed for that person. Also on Friday morning, when Father was hearing confessions after Mass, I confessed my judging of others and left the church with a lighter heart.
On Saturday, I had breakfast in town with J after Mass and was able to help her with a family situation by sharing an event from my own family that was similar and how it had been handled. She thanked me and said that it had helped.
On Sunday morning my feelings of general unhappiness were still lingering. I recently read the third section of Volume six so when I went into the chapel before Mass I asked Jesus to make me happy again. When I left the chapel, I was completely cured from the week before and those feelings of unhappiness have not returned.
In this month's message Jesus told us that the enemy of unity would give us reasons not to love. he did and I fell into the trap. But Our Lord sent an apostle to me to give me some comfort that very hour. Then with the graces from the sacrament of reconciliation and prayer, I ended up stronger, closer to Our Lord and more aware of how the enemy is operating in my life - especially when I am fatigued. A lot of damage can be done to others in situations like that. I'm so happy that despite my fall, I have not left the right path. I am more determined than ever to respond to everything with love.
I saw the woman from the chapel incident afterward that fateful day. I don't think she speaks English very well but I gave her a big smile and she was gracious enough to give me a very warm smile back. Funny how I had forgotten that part until now. I have a feeling that she is a mighty soul and we are blessed to have her in our parish.
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